This is also why I never want to meet 50 Shades of Grey scribe E.L. They look like they’re having a pretty fun time together! Then again, below, please find father and son rapping and dancing on The Graham Norton Show. It’s certainly weird to be a member of the audience, watching said father and son interact and wondering how much of said relationship is based on reality. It must be really weird for a real-life father and son to play father and son, and have your fictional relationship not be perfect. This is sad for Jaden, because his dad Will’s coming home that night and he doesn’t want to disappoint him.Īt dinner, Will and Jaden just aren’t connecting, but Will feels bad about that… Hmm. This brings us to New Planet, where Jaden Smith is training become a fancy space marine like his dad, but I guess he has too much fear or something so they won’t let him graduate. This is the exterior of Jaden and Will’s house! A lot of money was spent to make this movie! Remember, Frank, Hollywood makes, like, one of these a year, so we’re starved for points of comparison. Point is, this is actually half-decent world building for an original science fiction fiction studio film. You really don’t need that information in your brain.) Like, Will’s name is Cypher Raige or something. (Also, those character names are really fucking stupid. (Frank, of course there are actual character names for the folk that Will and Jaden Smith are playing, but it’s fucking Will Smith, the biggest movie star on the planet, and Jaden Smith, his almost-as-famous son, let’s not kid around her.) Will Smith is super-super-duper-free of fear, and thus is like Grand Lord Chief Bad-Ass or something. In this case, we broke the Earth (that is the science fiction premise of this movie, and also the real premise of our lives) and so we went to a new planet.īut the real fuck-up came when aliens invaded who couldn’t see but could smell fear, so the best soldiers were the ones free of fear, because if they were free of fear, they would appear as invisible to the alien fear monsters. We start off with what’s become a cliche of the sci-fi genre - the voice-over montage explaining how we’ve gotten into this gosh-darn predicament. But I need to know JUST HOW BAD.īecause here’s the thing - the question I pose today isn’t “is After Earth a terrible film?” but rather “is After Earth WORSE than Battlefield Earth?” It’s time for the Scientology Metaphor Movie Showdown! Yes, Frank, technically I know what I’m getting into. Which is probably the best possible place from which to approach After Earth. It’s way better today than it was on Sunday, thanks to the joys of modern medicine, but it also means that I write this now after having just taken my second dose of DayQuil of the day, and I’m gonna tell you, I feel a little bit loopy. Some sort of head/chest congestion thing. As I write this, let me tell you - I’m not feeling great.
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January 2023
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